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A reader writes:

I wish to have Love in my life… and yes, I know it is close in terms of time. I just have to be ready to receive it. But I am too impatient to get it. So much so that sometimes I start doubting that I’ll get it.

How can I lower my guard and open to life? I think impatience is obstructing my way. Can you suggest any ways to cultivate patience? :)

 My answer:

Your question is brilliant.
And your doubt is very discerning:  the more impatiently you strive for love . . . the less likely it is that love will come into your life . . . harmoniously.

You can have love. You can have wealth. You can have virtually anything . . . at least for a short period of time. Most of us have. But few have sustained that love. And among those who have sustained it, fewer still have done so harmoniously.

The question is: how can you bring forth and sustain what you most deeply want harmoniously?

It’s not really a question of time.
Love is close – but not in terms of time. Wisdom is close. Creativity is close. Every sacred quality is truly close. But close in consciousness not in terms of clock time. You can live for decades and still never cross the chasm that separates you from what your soul longs for. Many do. You’ve seen them.

Just living through time – if that living isn’t done with mindfulness, openness, and willingness – won’t bring you across the chasm that separates you from your heart’s dream.

The chasm is crossed by a shift in consciousness.
To make this shift you need to understand what creates and maintains the chasm.

The chasm is maintained and given life by . . . emotionality. Emotions such as impatience, guilt, and shame – when you identify with them – create the chasm and keep you from experiencing the fulfillment you seek.

Emotionality keeps you on one side of the chasm.
It keeps you seeking and longing for love – rather than opening to and discovering that love is ever-present. The chasm is self-created and thus can be self-un-created. Un-creating the chasm is the shift in consciousness that re-unites what was never separated to begin with.

How do you cross the chasm that is created by emotionality?
Here’s the paradox of spiritual practice: You cross the chasm of emotionality not so much by focusing on love but by loving the emotionality. (Read that sentence again.)

So, what does this mean? It means infusing the emotional pattern (impatience, guilt, shame etc) with loving awareness.

(For more on loving awareness read this and this.)

Here’s one way:
Start by recognizing and naming the emotional pattern that creates the chasm (separation from what you long for). Let’s use impatience for this example.

1) Consciously realize – even say out loud –
I am not impatient. I am aware of impatience.
I am aware of how impatience arises as thoughts – without believing in those thoughts.
I am aware of how impatience arises as images – without being lost in those images.
I am aware of how impatience arises as inner voices – without being caught up in what they say.
I am aware of how impatience arises as body sensations – without being overwhelmed.

2) Now let go of thoughts, images, and voices – turn towards the body sensations.
Turn towards the place in your body where the impatience arises – and send that place blessings.

Be gentle. Don’t seek to change the impatience. Don’t try to make it go away. Just bless it with loving awareness. Tune into that place of impatience and ask, “What do you most deeply need?”

3) Then listen, sense, open and attune to the answer that comes.
It may come as words, as image, or as a felt sense. Be aware of it in whatever form it chooses.

What were you aware of?

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When you pour tea into a tall thin cup, the tea assumes that tall, thin shape. When you pour tea into a squat, round cup, it assumes that shape.

It’s wonderful that tea does this. It facilitates tea drinking. But your mind needn’t act like tea. Too often it does.

How does the mind act like tea?
Just as tea takes the shape of whatever container it’s poured into, the mind tends to assume the shape of whatever thought, emotion, or sensation captures its attention. But it doesn’t just assume the shape of what is arising– it identifies with the object of attention.

The mind believes it is what it is aware of.
When the emotion of sadness arises, the mind identifies with that emotion and believes it is sadness. Not, I’m aware of sadness but I am sadness.

When anger is present, the mind believes – I am angry.

The mind identifies with whatever condition is most intense at a moment in time.
Whether its an inner condition like a thought or emotion or an outer condition like hitting a homerun or losing 10 pounds – the mind tends to lose itself and identify with what it is aware of.

There’s nothing wrong with being aware of what is arising.
It’s important to be aware of your inner and outer world. But here’s the rub – when your mind is immersed in identification its no longer aware. When your mind is believing I’m sad – it’s no longer aware of sadness.

To become aware, the mind needs to step back.
To dis-identify with what is arising in order to be fully aware. This state of non-identified and fully engaged awareness is called witness consciousness. It’s quite different from tea-like mind. Witnessing consciousness allows the mind to fully experience what arises without being overcome by identification.

It’s a paradoxical state of mind.
It’s neither lost in identification nor separate from experience. The witnessing consciousness simultaneously transcends the object of attention while fully entering into it. It’s this paradoxical quality – of being beyond and fully engaged – that makes witness consciousness such a powerful source of healing.

Witness consciousness is able to infuse all conditions – with the light of awareness.
Through the function of witness consciousness, the light of awareness can fully infuse any and every condition. The mind is thus able to engage with all forms of conditions as a healing presence. It is able to investigate, enter, and experience any condition fully – because of this engage detachment. Witness consciousness develops as the mind simultaneously dis-identifies with conditions while remaining fully present.

How can you access witness consciousness?
The most reliable way is through meditation practice. Meditation practice is ideally – and intentionally – designed to cultivate witness consciousness. Witness consciousness emerges organically as you practice.

When you begin meditating (and by as you begin I mean whenever you sit down) – you become aware of how easily the mind slips away into identification with thought, emotion, sensations. A few mindful breaths, a few mantras, and . . . the mind mindlessly shape shifts, becoming lost in thoughts, emotions, and sensations.

It’s part of the process.
When this shape shifting happens in the context of meditation practice, you (eventually) notice and gently reorient to witnessing the object of meditation. In other words you come back to the breath, to the mantra, to the visualization . . . whatever your object of meditation may be.

Gradually the shape shifting reduces.
And attention stabilizes. As stabilization deepens, witness consciousness emerges. You discover the blissful capacity to be fully engaged and totally free at the same time.

It’s an experience of flow and one that you can intentionally develop and deepen through meditation practice.

It’s not just for when you’re on the cushion.
This capacity to enter into life fully – but without being overwhelmed – isn’t just a meditation thing. It’s a life thing. Witness consciousness allows you to meet the conditions of your life – whether these take the form of emotions, thoughts, people, or snowstorms – with clarity, wisdom, and creativity.

Then whatever cup of tea life pours – you’ll be able to enjoy it fully.

Questions for you:

• Where is your mind taking the shape of your situation?
• What helps you step back and witness?

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Sometimes the fundamental impermanence of life can seem to throw a wet blanket over your life. Then goal setting, working hard, doing . . . anything . . . becomes pointless. The awareness of groundless-ness morphs into a kind of all-pervading cynicism laced with futility.

But this cynical attitude is still based on clinging. It’s  hoping that not-giving-a-s**t will allow one to be protected, even untouched by Life. It doesn’t work.

There’s a deeper wisdom . . . 

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Imagine a professional basketball player stepping up to the free throw line. He bounces the ball a few times before looking to the basket. Above the rim, through the plexi-glass backboard, he can see row upon row of people shouting and waving. And they’re not shouting encouragement. They’re trying to distract him from making the shot.

He can’t make them stop. He can’t tell them to go away. All he can do is . . . focus.

Following your dream means stepping up to your inner free-throw line
When you make the choice to follow your dream – whether that means building a business, writing a book, creating a loving relationship or anything else – you’re going to find yourself at the inner free throw line.

What is the inner free throw line?

It’s a powerful place to be.
It’s powerful because you can see what you need to do to fulfill your dream. You’re aware of the action you need to take to grow your business, complete your book, or deepen your relationship.

But it’s not that simple.

At the inner free throw line, you’re also bombarded by distractions.
They come with the territory. But your distractions aren’t primarily coming from people “out there” who want you to mess up your shot.

 Uh, uh,

Even when your dog eats your homework, your laptop crashes, and your mother asks (for the millionth time) what you think you’re doing, even then – the primary distractions are inside your head.

So what are these primary distractions?

Fearful, doubtful, self-critical thoughts are your primary distractions.
Such thoughts crowd the stands and yell at you whenever you:

• Move to the edge of your comfort zone
• Break away from the crowd in order to bring your vision to life

Whenever you venture forth to actively pursue your dream, those distracting thoughts will be there. You can’t really avoid them.

Trying to avoid thoughts just glues you to them more tightly.
Pushing distracting thoughts away, arguing with them, zapping them with positive affirmations – just intensifies their distracting power.

Because distracting thoughts – like all thoughts – feed on your attention. It’s your attention that gives the thoughts life and  sustains their distracting power.

You can’t avoid them. You can’t fight them. So what can you do? There are two key strategies for breaking free from distracting thoughts:

1) Pay attention to when the distracting thoughts arise.
What triggers the fearful thoughts? What activates the self-doubt? Be student of your thought patterns. Instead of believing them – observe them.

Notice when and how they arise and soon you’ll see that despite their emotional intensity – the distracting thoughts are really quite boring. In fact, you’ll see that they just repeat themselves. They’re not creative in the least. The same ones appear over and over again.

2) Don’t oppose these thoughts – study them.
Don’t argue with them – that’s just adding fuel to their distracting fire. Instead study the inner structure of the thoughts in terms of:

• Words: What does the thought tell you? Does it say, “You’re too young to do this.” Or “You’re too old to do this.” Be like a reporter taking notes. You don’t have to believe or argue with the thought. Just note what it says.
• Pictures: What images, movies, memories does the thought activate in your inner imagination? Observe the images with the curious, mildly detached attitude of a student. You can even mutter gently to yourself, “Interesting . . . hmmm . . ..” as you watch the images that the thought projects on the inner screen of your mind.
• Sensations: Notice the pattern of bodily tensions that accompany the inner words and pictures. By doing this, you track the physical reverberations of the thought in your body. Don’t get lost in the sensations. Just be aware of them.

What does being a student of your distracting thoughts reveal?
By becoming a student of the words, images, and sensations that make up your distracting thoughts you realize:

• Distracting thoughts are incredibly redundant.
  The same distracting patterns repeat themselves day-in-and-day-out. They’re not creative. They’re not insightful. They’re just doing what they do . . . which is to try and distract you.
• You don’t have to give your attention to the distractions
  Through studying the thoughts – you detach from them. You recognize that their power to distract comes from the attention you give them. When you withdraw your attention . . . .and focus on your goal . . . the thoughts fade away.

So the next time the distracting thoughts intrude, you can smile and . . . shift your attention to what matters most. That’s right. Take a breath, see the basket, and let all those screaming fans fade to silence . . . as you watch the basketball swish cleanly through the hoop. Nice shot.

Questions for you:

• What are your repetitive distracting thoughts?
• What helps you shift your attention away from them and back to your cherished goal?

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When you first sit down to practice meditation, your mind will wander.
And by when you first sit down -  I mean whenever you sit down.
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